lana del rey 

somethings can actually turn you gay.
it happened to me when i was listening 
to summertime sadness
with my best friend walking 
on the crooked road
to my house, each of us 
with one earbud in. i think it was
the last month of the last month
of high school. we were making all kinds of 
deadly promises. like "i'll be back"
& "i won't forget this." you always 
forget. the world has a way
of pulling curtains. i was never a girl 
but back then i was. 
i found a shadow in her music  
that opened a dormant self. a self
with so much red that i had
to bury it wherever i could. 
we played her songs
over & over. video games &
all his favorite remixes of it. 
back then youtube
wasn't as loud. it was just a little postage stamp
on a letter from an ugly world.
we always parted at the top 
of the hill. sometimes, we'd linger.
green field behind us but this day 
he took the ear bud, his ear bud & parted.
he had something to do & maybe so did i.
the trees grew legs. it rained hard that night
& i kept the album on. opened my window
& allowed the rain to soak the carpet.
i pictured myself with a smooth car
& a sun big enough to hold me.
outside, someone was riding a dirt bike
in a cornfield. summer's elbows.
humid breath. the widening ache. 
you can tell it is going to break
you open. this kind of turning. 
i played the songs again.