prayer to cardea, goddess of door hinges 

it has been a long time since i have considered praying.
i used to have a rosary that i followed like the stoplights
down main street. were you always a goddess or did
you have a mundane time where you tried
to find something to bow to? i am unschooled 
in the formation of gods. the closest i have come
to the divine in when i laid with an ex lover
beneath the blue whale at the museum of natural history.
but you don't want to hear about that. let me tell you
about the doorbell that died inside the walls 
of my parents home. you could press it & nothing
would ring or cry or laugh. in every house i've ever lived,
there is a forbidden door that i labor to open.
in the mountain apartment it was the basement. 
the door was nailed shut when i first moved in.
i could not resist. one night, in the middle of a snow storm
i caved. i did not have a hammer & so i used a fork
to pry the nails back. maybe this was our first meeting?
i did not find much. just wooden stairs going down
to a root cellar. cool dirt on the floor. there were
entrances to other apartments all around. 
i imagined a gathering of us in the basement. i did not
know most of their names. the gun salesman &
the white lady with matted hair & the man with
a worn walking stick. i quickly returned to my nest.
shut the door but considered what it would mean
to leave it open. i want to know what people
usually ask of you? do they ask for open doors because
i request the opposite. i love a shut door. both
to be inside & to be peering beneath the bottom
in an attempt to see feet shadows. i do not know
if this is your realm. are you interested in containing
or releasing? i could help with either. i buy keys
to locks that do not exist. i call my ex in the middle
of the night & hang up before she can answer.
i want to ask her if she remembers the house
in mineola with all the suitecases in the basement.
you were there too, standing on the ceiling.
i guess all i have to ask for is that the locks are useless.
that the doorways i walk through do not bite down
too hard. that when i go down to the crawlspace
that i am joined by your divinity. when you were told
you were the goddess of thresholds, did you feel joy
or fear? in the yard we have a door rotting into 
the earth. sometimes i hear a knocking. is that you?