tunnel of love

i thought there would be 
more carnival boat rides in my life. i am 
leaving messages with all the flowers
i have phone numbers for. sometimes
the television will decide to present me
a father figure. i'll be stuck praying
to it all weekend. the fridge has died 
& the frozen meat is melting. turning back
into narwhal & chicken. pressed the door
open. i have been like capital c crazy 
in the last decade so i cannot really blame
anyone for deciding to avoid me. 
i buy a ticket to see a freak show
because i am hoping to join. i nail
the audition but i pass the species test.
they say i have too much neanderthal dna
so i am technically cheating. this is not
the first time i've been caught cheating.
i shoplifted jello once. it was a bad choice
but i needed some stained glass. i was 
in college & i had fifteen dollars. there are 
big doors & little doors. big boats
& tunnels shaped like cartoon hearts.
i make a boyfriend from neon & he glows
to keep the spirits away all night.
in the tunnel everyone is a hand or
a fire. i kiss someone. i prefer not to know
who or what they are. desire is best held
in a sweet shadow. sugar or fur. 
they tasted like raisins. when we emerged
no one sat in the boat with me. 
the fair was empty. only the carny men 
shaving their heads in fun house mirrors.
i decide not to stay because i never stay. 
why would i? no job in a box? no flowers
calling me back to confess their love?
i take a bus a new cemetery. just opened.
a little food truck in the corner sells falafel. 
i stand beside it, just to smell the spices.