6 more weeks of winter

i have always ignored the predictions
of groundhogs

they have slept too long &
eaten too much human food

i trust only myself
to make a season of this landscape

are you an autumn boy?

we can agree it would be
best to remove all aspect of winter--

this has gone on long enough--

help me wake up the frogs--

turn marble in the frigid
lake water 

blue-lipped girls floating 
face-up like canoes--

warm the frogs in our mittens--

wet & slimy-- their throats
pulsing-- keeping slow-motion time--

what kind of sleep is winter?

we should ignore the lake girls 
no matter what hymnal they're using--

they make a song without mouths

we'll need to peel winter 
from our bodies: shell
of a hard boiled egg--

this is salt & sunrise--

this is our skinned knees--

breathe the green back
into each blade of grass--

knees & cold earth--

oh spring what kind of
body will you make of me?

send the gnats & the lady bugs

i bleed morning dew--

the sun wrapped in ice 
shivers like a clock-- bare hands
pointing north--

when night comes &
it's still january  we 
can make needle point of
the cornfield--

sew soy beans: dream 
jade & must

burst of the daffodils--
warrior of our skirts-- mouth
shouting open--

when i was younger
& i still had leather skin
i would stop wearing
my winter jacket in february 
to protest spring's shyness

her sulking in the horizon
on the wing-beat of
a crow--

she was never bold enough 
for me 

pop-up book 

page turn--

hang on skirt hem
& watch the trees raise themselves
red like barns--

the landscape-- blue & deep enough
to turn-- our house 

built itself without daddy & 
his nail gun-- driving war into 
the support beams--

we wake up to the sound of drills 

mattresses on bedroom floors

i feel myself become--
3/2 dimensional--

un-walking in the yard--
you are a morning dove or
maybe a bird feeder--

page resolves into daylight--

coffee pot whisper--
the sun (a stove top)--
i'm coming ready with 
a cast iron pan--

we'll probably burn the edges
of your eggs--

make a skirt--

i was the brother who 
whirled in dresses-- long to
my ankles-- an enigma--

a rotation of the earth 

brought to life 

believed i could tame the planets
into revolving around me--

in the backyard before
the next page i lay in paper grass--
pretended the greenish light of
an airplane was a UFO or
maybe a dragon--

raise water towers &
corn in sulking August--
fringe of town where the 
houses are being swallow by corn--

who drew these pictures &
ushered us through them?

illustration us into a sunset--
one of those bruising plum ones
that only come when you're not looking

i want you to draw me a sunset 
so audacious that it's not 
cliche for me to use in this poem--

if you shut the book i want
you to know that i'll be waiting--

maybe i'll become a park bench--
a bus stop

i want to be where you
end up

where the book ends

whose father has water colors?

whose mother numbered the pages
& set out a plate of pancakes 
at the kitchen table for us?

this is a poem about discovering
papercuts on the walls of your bedroom

about the act of hoisting 

lift me up into the landscape--

i want to be a character with you 

i want pink skin & a mouth--

to pivot with you--

that's not the wind-- that's
the next page--

don't let go of me--

i'm scared of becoming 
an archive-- will you do the
remembering if i sit & draw?

i have a set of 64 crayons--

what color would you
like me to make 

this morning?

maybe cerulean or
some other lustful color
reserved for love poems
& skies

you make me feel small (in a good way)

i swear we fit in teaspoons--

you & me & sometimes the moon when

it's so new that it hides in the shadow

of alleyway pennies

you make me feel small in a good way--

like i'm sleeping in a thimble

unbutton my mouth with your thumb--

thread me-- needle between your teeth--

microscope my body behind

the wheel of my green volvo-- highway

flickers-- i am a stick of pink gum--

a jelly bean-- an acorn--

i ache with trees--

so small that no one will

see the taillights in my teeth--

the blare of my short hair bristling

in the exhale of 

every street corner--

i used to be terrified 

of smallness

praying to the bones of

dinosaurs--

plucking jupiter from between

mars & saturn-- a big red 

jawbreaker--

broke my jaw chewing pebbles

by the creek--

i fit in the glove box--

under your tongue--

flyleaf page boy-- i lay flat

& mischief myself quiet-- practicing

my signature with a piece of white chalk--

clap the erasers out behind the 

elementary school--

i kneel with the caterpillars

now-- small & hungry

& on your couch i am certain

i must fit in the palm of

your hand--

careful with me 

i could be easily lost

by a strong or determined breeze 

a hollowed out egg

a kiss left on a collar bone

come meet me while the moon

is still new--

while there's still a 

dark dip into-- hands & kness

beneath the pillow--

terrarium lid sky

& damp earth

what are you doing in the summer of 2013?

i want to meet up with you with my blueberry
hair & my leaves shaved into marble--

oh what parts of you are statue & what parts
are the result of the heat?

92 degrees & climbing

when the weather is poisonous let's 
drink creek water from teaspoons 

do you have any plans for this summer?
the summer of 2013?

i do-- i know i will get to feel 
my blood vessels turn into fireworks--

the ferris wheel lurching in 
my stomach as it churns me in love
with his hair--

i will turn sixteen & i will 
eat fun-fetti cupcakes on my porch--
lick icing fingers-- 

bite open water balloons-- 
here comes a thunder storm to
shake knees & door knobs--

will you wear shoes?

you don't need them-- it's summer
& kutztown is all grass & there's only
broken bottle on the other end
of noble street 

the kids call it "the ghetto" because 
sometimes there's a pair
of sneakers is slung over 
the telephone wires--

do you feel carnivals in you?

i want to meet you here before
i was a boy-- before i planted
hydrangeas in my forehead

before i could sleep without 
nightlights--

sweet sixteen & boldly green--

look for the girl with grey 
chuck taylors & a yellow
bikini-- she swallows goose-bumps

back then did you sometimes 
sit in your backyard & tear out
the grass in handfuls?

did you drink from the hose?

she's turning sixteen & she's 
cataclysmic-- razor blades 
drawing bracelets on her arms--

she wants to kiss you--

she wants to hold your hand &
meander with you up cemetery hill--
past visiting hours

she sometimes pretends she lives 
in the mausoleum at the very top

she wants to lay with you
underneath the ghost tree-- 

maybe you'll like it there--
hot & sticky & soft-skinned--
soaked in honeysuckle promises
& impending lightning--

conductive-bodied & rare--

she has a pocket knife with
his initials on it

if you're not busy that summer 
i'll be waiting on the bench--

the bench with white graffiti
in the park

the one where night pins
you down to kiss you

tongue down your throat
like a comet or a maple leaf--

this is a date 

we'll leave our initials--

dug into wood with 
my neon blue fingernails

 

mermaid love poems 

did you cut off you doll's hair for their
own good?

firewood fingers-- you daring girl with 
not enough matches-- 

makeshift sun

sleep over on the greasy face of venus--
she's hotter than you think--

we were too young for scissors-- too young
to run into mermaids--

i felt them swimming in my blood-- their
scales & tails thrashing as i curled
up in bunk-bed blankets--

the other girls could see the fish
in me-- behind my eyes--

these fish bowls-- 

when we broke the terrarium 
i hesitated to pick up their
bodies thrashing in dry air--

wet flames of orange--

goldfish eye morning--

call her a mermaid when she 
trips on the sidewalk & skins her
knees--

that's me-- out of water--
swing-set sitting & aching for
a creek to drown in--

they take my gills & wear
them like barrettes-- hair ties
for sling shots-- take the pebbles
from the driveway--

i'll be here-- blood pounding
with mythology--

my father always 
called me a fable--

the fishermen of course--
hang upside down on the
jungle gym--
caught in their nets 

i feed my love poems 
to the sirens-- they tell me
that these kinds of feelings
are best eaten or used
for revenge--

that these kind of feelings 
kill the lore left in you

so i walked away from
the lake-- dripping with 
icicles & 

my mother's blue station wagon
un-thawed in the driveway 

a kind of metal ocean--

spitting fog--

i chewed asphalt until school started

took a seat at the back of
the class room

aquarium sopping from 
wearing so many fins 

the other kids had 
fishhook tongues &
mechanical pencils-- 

i crossed my legs under

my desk

like a good mermaid 

picked the hooks from
my spine each day before

going out to recess 

 

lottery 

pick numbers from the well
& when you slip assemble
your prayers on the way down

a bird throat decrescendo--
the skirt of an evergreen flustered
in the not-autumn wind--

my hair dresser told me that
magic happens in threes & so 
of course i won the lottery 

& ran away for fear of turning
into a scratch card-- skin peeling
into a grey waste basket--

there's so much dream to hang on 
around here when your nails can dig dimes
out of the wall paper--

in threes-- like god & witches 
& plum pits & how to eat grapes &
bells rung from the side

of the altar as he blesses 
the bread-- does your bread become
body with the sound of a bell?

do you ring in threes? the lottery
numbers smacking on our front door
& telling us to be millionaires--

selling us crisp-smelling bills-- bank tellers
with bowls of dum-dums-- counting
us stacks on the porch--

what will you do with all that money?
i might buy a lock for my bedroom door--
one heavy enough that not event 

blackbirds could pick open with
their claws & i could keep out 
all the voracious numbers--

their round bodies & figure eights--
you tell me that i should give in--
stuff my pockets-- pluck coins

off the sidewalk & swallow them
like escargot-- salty & somehow still
wriggling with cravings--

i lay at the foot of my bunk bed
& wait for dad to come pet my hair--
by now my skin is shed in the corner 

& the money has become dead leaves
for god to sweep from the sidewalk--
someone told me that waiting

is equivalent to dying--
carpe diem or whatever-- but i 
think at least for me sometimes i 

want to let the day be-- let the 
numbers count themselves-- let someone
else lottery themselves into the ocean--

i think i'd buy a house-- a house
big enough for us to get lost
in-- knowing that the other one was there

but perpetually in another hallway--
another stairwell-- lost in the boundless
body that all that luck had bore us--

let's be unlucky here-- push the 
sofa against the front door & share
the twin-sized bed--

knit skin on skin-- crochet me
i want to be wool & thread-- 
i want to be number with you--

 

laser-tag dusk soldiers 

let's ultra violet-- neon paint our prophecies 
on the sides of the cliffs--

tuck the sun into the caves & seal the tomb-- 

she will comb all the knots from her white-gold
hair-- dripping with wedding rings-- bells on
the rocks-- 

have you climbed the church towers lately?

have you figured out who tells the time
when to move forward?

this is laser-tag warfare--

this is red forever

& we were twelve & melting-- 
sweat sticking my blue t-shirt to my skin--

crouch with me in flowerpots--

buy yourself to the knees

there is nothing to be understood
about this poem other that the war
was already coming before
the first stanza--

they had already purchased the
plastic tanks

my brother was already a solider

metal helmet catching bombs-- we wore
our snow boots in the winter & trekked
out to the space behind the garage
where no one from the house could see us--

we got on our knees-- we made
camp-- we set glow-stick fires--

we made blood promises with
our pocket knife thumbs-- 

veins glowing in the violet light
of the new moon--

our hair stood up on the back of
our necks-- we grew wild & unbelieving
in mortality

tested the limits of our skin--

was it me or you who broke 
the wooden step on the way
up to the deck?

the roof caved in & by the roof
i mean the sky itself-- so heavy
with our imagined bullets 

oh, brother, is this a love poem?

how old are we even & how many
years have we been backyard-walking--
have we been telling each other
nightlight stories to fall asleep?

you are too old & i am only
twelve & four months old &

you got to be eighteen--

take your gun in both
hands when you leave the house
in the morning--

there are icicle teeth 
biting down hard--

there are mountains where we
once laid hand prints--

when we finally find out who has
been orchestrating time all along 
we will tell them to take 
the weekend off--

take turns
aiming at tombstones--

ricochet off mausoleum--

lay down in the unfilled graves 
& laugh-- arms across our chests 
like mummies--

oh look at us 
indigo & twilight

do you have your laser gun 
with you?

we'll need it when
we decide to walk back 
up noble street 

a dog barks at
a wind chime spirit--

you point your gun 
like a flashlight

artificial 

recently i've had a hard time feeling real

i find my hands becoming sunsets at their
own will-- voice acrylic--

oil paint lips smearing all over my own wrists

was it you who made me this way?

turned me all

cherry cough drop & pine tree air freshener--
cellophane wrapped my body-- 

plastic pierce me 
o microwave goddess whose prayer is hum--

you count the freckles on my face like
head-up pennies for luck--

do i taste like spearmint? like
a stick of wriggly's gum?

what do you do to make yourself
feel real?

for me it's the water-- i take a shower
& assume that if i don't dissolve that 
i am likely a real

there is of course the possiblity
that the shower isn't real either--

or i slipped down a drain years
ago & this is just a memory you had
of me-- 

i used to keep tally marks

day by day by day

to measure the passage of time--
to ensure the moon did it's duty
& measured herself into nothing--

i think i think about
the moon so much because i sympathize--

i feel my body swelling-- taking up
the entire sky--

fingers pointing down my throat--
it was you who swallowed the stars
& was bold enough to smile--

until i was a fourteen year old girl
fading-- night furnace grinning me
into a sliver & a smirk--

how often do you get on your knees
anymore?

do you ever draw blood to see
if there's still rivers in you?
convinced it will come out blue
& syrup--

snowcone kiss me until i am sticky sleep--

i have come to the conclusion
that i am likely a hologram--

or

a series of tarot cards laying
face up on a wooden table 

or

a glint of light winking
off your rear-view mirror
as you adjust it on the highway home

i am not driving home--

my body was back there
laying next to you

you make me feel less artificial--

like bare feet 

like ice cubes

like a handful of bird throats

i want to walk in your voice 
& stay there--

leave my shoes by the door

when you kiss me
do i taste like spearmint?

when you touch me

i believe in the quiets 
of my own blood--

i turn off the lights--
straddle dark-- 

moon fade again 
beside you

hawk

there's a hawk's
nest in the attic &
our pupils dilated
into planets
in the stare
of each other's flashlights--
where did the winter
carry your bridges?
the melted snow creeks
are full of unborn frogs
waiting for spring
to warm them-- there
we are-- in clusters
of eggs-- our tiny 
embryo bodies making
orbits
inside our shells--
what kind of moons
did i walk on before
i was born?
was it a sort of honeymoon 
for myself--
did we dip our feet 
in Mediterranean ocean?
naked & sun-burned--
a red cinnamon candy
dissolving in the inevitability 
of coming alive--
i imagine i was
disappointed when i
learned it was
my time to stop exploring--
river ripetide
pulling me from
a ghost tree--
i ached with 
wanting for myself:
nomadic & unborn--
the currents were too
fast & there i was--
there i was stinging 
in window light--
sometimes my feet 
remember that wandering--
i felt it in the woods
by the creek--
the one with the limestone
kilns we used as temples
& the abandoned house 
where hawks roosted--
shrieking at our
pink skin as we put
out the fires of our
shoe laces-- 
sharpie-marker tattooed
the hips of the trees 
to mark our trails--
learned the language 
of dusk & all of it's
ambling color--
who could know where
purple is going
if left unchecked?
i think back then i
was maybe a light
shade of maroon--
back when i had no body
to worry about breaking
when i 
climbed grandfather tree 
limbs & eat handfuls
of wild berries or
maybe they were 
planets--
planets taste sweet--
not like gumballs but
like pop rocks--
like myself, i don't
know where this poem
is going-- it stepped
off the gravel trail
& found itself in
the girl memories
of autumn & broken
twigs-- in the deep girl
ankles scratched by
briers--
let's give the hawk
a name so that 
her babies will
laugh when they
learn there is something
she goes by other
than just "mother"--
i don't know
if there are hawks in
the creek but there is
one in my hawk & she is 
pacing-- flashlight
in her mouth--
scratching at the walls
of my skulls--
each talon etching 
echo-- 
i tell her she can
stay when
i really mean 
that it's time for
her to find a new 
body to build a nest
in-- i walk out
in the wilting snow
& open my mouth 
but she doesn't leave.

 

i've spent way too
much time in the last
few weeks refreshing 
application pages to
MFA programs
as if at 9:52pm
on a Sunday night
the selection committee 
will be making their
final decisions
clicking the send button
to welcome me
into some kind of
answer-- i started
doing it to my
email inbox too--
it's like when i was
little & first discovered
the phenomenon
of the mail--
how like magic 
the green box at
the end of the driveway
summoned
toy catelogs around
christmas & 
white envelope 
bills for mom to
stack on the kitchen
table with orphaned 
mittens & other odds
& ends--
the miracle of
a postage stamp
& it's small promises
to carry words--
the end of
my driveway is
now a computer
screen-- 
maybe
if i refresh this
page again
there will be
some email from god 
sitting there--
an attachment image
of my life all
mapped out in .jpgs--
the driveway dissolves 
into a keyboard
into a postage 
stamp stuck to the back
of my neck--
where are you
sending me? 
is god still up
at his desk?-- hunched
over a MacBook--
two finger strolling
down a list of
people like
me who write 
him
letters only
to save them as 
drafts-- if
i refresh one
more time 
will the asphlat
come back?
who is coming
with me?
the little red flag--
hand raised--
what's funny is
i don't even know
if i want to 
go to graduate school
or change cities
or have my name
on a dust cover
perching on the shelf of 
some independent book
store on a quirky 
main street--
stop lights 
key-chain swaying
in a gust of January wind--
i don't know if
i love you--
but i'm scared 
i'll punch in
the URL one more time
& i'll see myself
on the screen
at the end of my 
parent's driveway--
messy pig tails &
ripped-knee jeans
or
30 years old
on the steps of
some apartment
building in 
a city i haven't
been yet--
at first i won't
recognize him
until i notice
his black converse
& the nervous
way he pushes his
sweater sleeves
up to the elbows--
i know that
tomorrow
isn't coming
in the mail &
that waiting 
is a form of elegy
but i wish you
were here with me now  
tonight at my 
computer-- kiss
me like a postage
stamp on
my right shoulder-- 
this is a letter
for you--