the facebook birthday phenomenon

hello,
it was nice to see
you 
& you're looking
well 
& by 'looking well'
i mean looking different
than when i knew you but 
still the same &
when i say it was nice
to see you i mean it
was nice to scroll
through your pictures on
facebook--

if i go back far enough
you'll be wearing the
same neon green head band
that you used to
in fifth grade or maybe 
the knee-high converse
that i was jealous of
even though the zipper
on the back would
get caught sometimes &
you'd be the last to 
get changed from gym
class--

we pretend the facebook
birthday phenomenon
is impersonal-- an electronic
notification that someone
that you have once
known or still know or
know only vaguely 
was born this day--
their name gift wrapped
on your dash board--
but 
this is when
you open them up  again--

you feel 
the way her voice sounded--
it reverberates off the
walls of your room--
you remember
the way she used to
bite her hair
& how Mrs. Hess in second
grade had told her it was
a nasty habit--

this time you go 
to his birthday party
even though you don't
know what sixth grade
boys want as presents
but what does anyone want
as a present anyway?

i want to be remembered--

when i get notifications
about your birthday i 
think of everything i have
ever wanted to say to you--

i start typing on your
timeline-- i write about how
you said something that
made me smile
during an afternoon
study hall & i wasn't supposed
to be listening to your conversation
but i'll never forget 
what you said about wishing
he would love
you like he did in the summer
& about how your mother
found an empty beer bottle
in your room

& i'm sorry that i never
said something to you when
i noticed you crying in the bathroom
we've all been crying in a bathroom 

& i want to come meet
you again-- we can get coffee
& catch up about the
conversations we never had & 

i'll tell you that i always wanted to
know how it was you
braided your hair like a fish tail--
go ahead you can ask why
i cut all of mine off--
 
there are so many people
that i know as a stack of
changing profile pictures--
in the latest one you're
wearing sunglasses & tilting your head 
you're submerged in an instagram filter--

let's turn black & white--
sun-stain our faces--
live between the months of our
bodies--
turn younger & older
& younger again--
do you ever look
through my photos?
i'd love it if you did--

instead of all that
i delete 
everything i wanted
to say to you--
i rest the cursor over
the empty text box &
i write 
happy birthday :)

& now you know
what the means