children who perform invisibility spells

when i was in third grade
my belief in dragons rivaled my
belief in God--
i kept the dragonology 
hand guide like a bible
beneath my
pillow--
i studied their bodies--
their skeletons-- drew
their wing spans across
my notebook margins in spelling class
When Justin & Tyler would
take turns daring each other
to ask me out i would focus harder
on the contours of their bones--

in the middle of the 
red dragonology book
there was a small packet
of glitter with a spell
written in runes behind it--
one night on the floor of my
rain forest bed room i 
decoded it-- letter
by letter-- written
on the back of a sketch pad--
i pushed the little metal
button on my door knob to 
lock myself inside--
this was my study-- my chamber--
i pulled my green blanket around
myself as a cloak & i
held up the finished spell
to the lamp mounted 
on the leg of my bunk bed--
my lips moved with the words--
carefully so as to not speak
them out loud because we
all know that magic comes
when you let words free into
the air--
i turned off my fan & i 
took the packet of dragon dust
from its spot in the book--
i figured i only had one
shot to get it right--
following the instructions
for the HONG WEI invisibility 
spell i spoke the words
as i poured the dust over
myself--

i like to wonder what would have
happened if i would have disappeared--
felt myself go see-through--
i think i would have stood up
to shake it off at first--
as if i might be able
to shake myself back into a
body-- i would marvel at
the emptiness of myself--
hold my hands in front
of my face & see nothing--
i would not unlock the door yet--

upon performing the spell i had mentally
prepared myself for invisibility--
i said that it couldn't last
forever & if it did there
was a whole slew of new things
to try-- i could go to school
& walk everywhere
including the teacher's lunch room
where they keep the jar of graham crackers
& i could listen to hear 
what kinds of things people
like Rachel & Ashley talked about
when they thought no one was around--

i could know what Mrs. Bowman does when
she's not on recess duty &
i'd pick up a peanut butter & jelly
sandwich from the lunch line 
when no one was looking--
(i'd have to be stealthy or 
they'd see a floating sandwich)

alone i'd sit on a bench
by the creek next to the elementary
school-- i'd peel off the sandwich crusts
& throw them to the ducks &
maybe for a moment i might miss
having a body that other 
people could see--

not much though-- i remember thinking
how much easier life would
be if the spell worked-- that
there was so little you
could do to someone who had
no arms or legs or face or body--
i would be only touch & thoughts
& mouth & unlocked doorknobs--

i resolved that i would wait &
tell my father-- i would wait till he was
putting billy to bed &  then i'd
crawl up to the top bunk &
tell him to tell us a story about
when he was little &
they'd both scream & i'd say
it's just me 
& they'd search the room
for the body from where my voice came

i'd tell them i had performed
an invisibility spell & they would
understand-- i figured mom might be 
a bit upset considering she
didn't like my playing magic so much--

standing in my locked bed room
i looked down at my chubby stomach
pocking over the waistline
of my blue pants-- white
& soft like dough
i brushed the glitter off
myself & waited a moment longer
as if myself the dust needed a 
second or two to take effect--
i was tragically visible & i put the 
rest of the glitter 
in the waste basket--
got up & unlocked the door to
my room &
laid on the bottom of
my bunk bed--

i yearned 
for a body that could
be looked through--