for a closer look at god

i stole my father's
ladder from the garage--
remembered his
warning
to never stand 
on top-- there
i am again a 7
year old girl-- paint roller
in hand as my father 
put together the sky
one roll of white
primer at a time--
he let me climb the ladder
up to the 2nd step
to marvel at his work--
what did i see
in that white sky?
audacious clouds-- 
shifting--churning--
i asked him
why the clouds
had to change so fast 
& he took his brush &
slathered purple
& red to make
me a sunset--
he painted
saying that the sky
was the first place
we search for
god's face & the last 
place to find it--
& here in my back yard
i set up my father's
yellow-stepped ladder--
wobbly from 
the damp earth--
ladder getting taller--
each step grews another
& soon i'm up above
the tree line--
gazing down 
on the roof of my house--
tiles resembling
the scales of a great
lizard-- 
the beast turns over 
& there 
i sleep white belly
towards the moon--
air thins
& i clutch the 
steel rungs--
sway with the breeze--
i think about
what the face of
god might look like--
in front us
rows of sunday-school 
children--
Sister
Katherine sat
on a wooden chair &
pointed 
at us & saying
YOU are made in
his image-- each 
& everyone one of
you--
i surveyed myself--
sitting criss-cross
applesauce-- my warm
white tights--
blue dress-- soft brown
hair down to my shoulders--
there he is,
God
as always-- was a
7 seven year old girl--
day dreaming
as the words 
of the gospel
spilled over her--
she felt the language
flutter
in her body like
minnows-- she smiled
& thought
about the story of
lazarus & how
even if she
were to die today
that God would
come down from her father's
step ladder & 
bring her back to
life--
his touch adding
step after
step to the ladder
his face still
getting farther &
farther away--
i stop to rest 
in my 21 year old
body-- looming
over my town--
the lights on each
street
so far away that
the earth became
a mirror of the sky--
there-- there's
the big dipper 
scooping ladles 
full of traffic lights--
dumping them
into the grass--
oh, god i came
up here to see
you & now look
how high up 
i am-- i again
think of the story
of lazarus &
how if i were to
let go & fall
that god might 
come down
the ladder & command  
me to rise--
i don't temp him--
i descend
rung by rung 
until i step down
again on
the dewy grass--
by then it was morning--
i folded the ladder into
my trunk & 
peered back up
at the clouds 
to watch them 
change--