tangle of masks 

i scribble out
tingling knots of graphite 
on the faces of strangers
like we used to do to faces on magazine covers.
the pencil rattling in my hand 
like a lost bone-- a limb from
a long gone mammal that walked 
gracefully on the side of buildings.
i draw stars across my forearms
as a reverse constellation.
black out a tooth. dense eye brows
like two grey caterpillars
inching across a brow.
a pencil truly made of lead
aches in the paint of our old house.
i draw Xs on the entrances to buildings 
that appear unwelcoming & Xs 
on each shoulder as if to 
indicate where the arrow should find me. 
i used to sketch-- try to pull 
a body out of the clutter of 
mirrors & printer paper but
i don't have time for creation.
all the devotion to line & thickness. 
they don't feel the pressure 
as i draw-- tip of the pencil 
starting at the chin & whirling upward
nests of lines calling 
on lead birds to roast. 
this is my tangle of masks i have invented
to navigate the subway. 
i could never handle all 
those eyes so i blacked them out.
i react like that in almost all situations--
pulling the fear impulse as far
as it will take me. 
a whole car full of scratched out
entities. are we human without faces?
of course, yes of course. 
human-ness must be housed 
in the fingers or maybe the ribs.
yes, the ribs, always poorly drawn. 
i don't know if they still 
see me-- maybe they peer through
the thatching & notice another creature.
i scribble out my own face 
so they won't know it was me 
who did this. 
i'm a guilty web. i see words 
in my own nonsense matted 
across their bodies
words like yes & help & no more.
i say yes, yes, no more no
more pencil. furious with me
for being weak the pencil 
snarls & starts to burrow 
in my thigh--
sharpened & eager
i have to grip hard to pull it out.
wipe the gore off & scribble over
the gash. i tell the pencil 
i will try harder. 
in the bathroom i wash the matted lines
off my face. blank. i try my hand
at a nose & a mouth. will add
the eyes tomorrow & them maybe
ears the day after that.
i draw Xs as placeholders for
where those parts will go.
a knot of graphite hits the back window
clattering with the sound 
of a chain link fence.