i want to leave you & become a deer, is that so cruel? 

on the night i grew antlers 
there was something missing between us.
there you were standing by the window 
brushing your long invisible hair 
in your wild invisible dress. the window 
made of saran-wrap quivered with 
the deep blue breeze. i walked up back 
& forth down the street in search of 
the jingling sound of a chain link fence.
we had both heard it but i was 
the one to go hunting. earlier i told you
that i felt un-grounded, like gravity
might give up on me soon. i could feel
the grip loosening. the train was made
of ivy & it swung through the station 
with the yells of several wonderful birds.
on each windowsill the town has set out
cups of whipped cream to appease the
coming autumn. i'm tempted to steal on
but before i can i hear that rattling again 
like someone is breaking into 
our chests. it's the nose bones make
when they turn metal. no source though,
none at all & i begin to believe you might
have sent me out to have the house 
all to yourself to grow your hair longer 
& longer until it fills every single room.
i hate when you do that. last time 
i had to be careful even when 
closing doors. the truth is i'm terrified
of what happens to us at night &
i knew i would be growing antlers.
i sit behind our house in the stone yard
where no one ever sits just in case
the source of the rattling was there.
their six black eyes stare up at me, the three
fawn with pinkish noses & thin sapling legs.
i have never seen one in the city before.
i ask why they come & they say because
i should come with them. i explain that 
there are many human tasks i need to complete
before i could entertain the idea of 
being a deer. they laugh & say that 
i'm passing up my one last chance
at happiness. the antlers grew from my head
wild as the tall grasses by the sides of highways.
my head feels so heavy, as if i'm holding up
a whole forests worth of trees. the doe's hooves
clop on the stone & they say i could have hooves too
if i gave in & joined them. they are so soft 
& so free. i consider myself 
with their nimble legs & i think about how
if i were a deer i could run away 
from you so easily. 
how you wouldn't know to miss me. 
how i could visit your back stoop with 
my deep black eyes & wet nose 
just to hum a song that reminds me of you.
i wouldn't blame you if you decided to become
anything but human. 
maybe then it would be easier to know
what to do with our limbs. i want less language
to use on you. i want a less complicated 
vessel. i want fur & four legs & 
a hunger for leaves. 
i take nail clippers to the antlers
& you ask from the other side of the door
if i'm in there & i say yes i am
and i will be out soon, 
i just have to
remove something.