terrible tender

tell me how i got here with 
a small hammer looking for pigs.
i left a penny on the street because it was 
tails up. where do you get your money from?
i ask each tree if they have anything to spare
& sometimes one takes mercy on me. i have
organs made of plastic bags. i have 
a backpack full of used lottery tickets
as a reminder about hope. i sat at a bus stop
not waiting for the which is when someone told me
about the pigs & how if you go out just 
before dusk you can sometimes find one
the size of a few humans hobbling
along near the train tracks. i don't want
to kill it i just want to smash it open
to find the dollars & coins inside.
we had blue piggy banks when we were younger
& i sat mine on a shelf in my room.
i was a terrible child. i am a terrible human.
when he wasn't home i shook my brother's bank 
to free quarters & dimes for myself. 
how much of me exists because of money?
i've tried planting dollar bills 
in the dirt. i've tried standing on the sidewalk
& staring at the mansions two towns over
hoping something might rub off on me.
i wouldn't call it greed, it's something deeper,
something more like thirst. i carry the hammer
& i take test swings. i carry a bag of feed 
to toss & hopefully lure a pig near me.
i don't want to hurt them but i have 
to get all the tender our of them. i imagine
bills wrapped around organs & coins
filling each corridor. what did i do
to deserve this? if i were born on top
of a mountain of quarters would i 
know how to hold a hammer like this.
i think of striking the pig
the impact the hammer would have on flesh.
i weep by the railroad tracks as an engine goes by
so that the sound of the machine will eat
my crying. i don't want anyone to hear me.
i have things to be grateful for.
i hear money in pockets three street over
& i don't want to steal it but i want a stronger
to put it in my mouth like a parking meter.
i can't hurt the pig wherever it is
& yes i listen & hear the hooves clicking
on the pavement & the jingling of change.
above the moon surfaces huge & full of silver.
i tell the moon i need money to buy strawberries
& the moon turns over. i toss the hammer by the side
of the road & walk home where there is
empty waiting for me. i wished i would have stole
us something huge & round. i wish i would
have stolen us the moon.