this night it's my fault my books turn into birds 

in the middle of the night
i take all the books off their shelves
& they turn back into various birds:
a heron, a crane, 
an owl, and so on.
i am sixteen or fifteen 
or something like that.
i have soft fingers & reptile knuckles.
i am trying to decide if i ever want 
to sleep again. i am writing down the names
of authors so i can ask to switch lives 
with them. i am writing down the names 
of poets so i can pray to them like saints.
last names to create order. dust from 
the bodies of the books on my hands.
birds flapping the dust off their shoulders.
the birds are loud & they call out 
in all directions as if to ask for
a larger shelf or a larger bird
to take care of them. i ask the birds 
to remember what books they were 
to consider their pages. to settle down
so they don't wake up my family. 
i tell them that i would also consider
becoming a bird if they had any tips.
i explain that i would do anything 
other than be what i am now--
a girl awake in an over-sized t-shirt.
the birds circle me overhead.
my ceiling is painted with clouds &
the birds fly above the clouds.
i wonder if they'll come back
or if my shelves will just always be empty.
i recite names to try & calm myself down
emily dickison, virginia wolfe, proust
kurt vonnegut & they all start to 
sound strange as i repeat them--
murky like a spell. i know it is
my fault for scaring my books away
but i wish they would land & let me
alphabetize them. i lay on my back
to look up at the painted clouds.
i try to feel where in my own body
i might be harboring pages. i feel my spine.
am i a bird or a book or a girl 
or a ghost awake all night again?
the birds don't land
they fall
they plummet as books again.
they couldn't sustain that kind
of lightness for long.
the books thwack on the floor
& i know for sure the noise had to have woken 
someone up. i leave the books there
& pull the covers around myself
to pretend to sleep. the books grow
mouse-legs & crawl into bed with me
whining & squealing. 
i tell them that's okay as long
as they quiet down. 
they hush.