i ask dad to build me a deep sea diving suite

he gets to work in the basement. smell of mildew 
& stone. one single light bulb dangling above a work bench. 
dad usually crafts with wood.
he grows trees from the ceiling just to chop them down.
what i love about him is doesn't ask personal questions.
not why do you need a deep sea diving suite?
but instead how deep do you plan to go?
i don't tell him i'm visiting friends in a trench,
i say miles & miles & miles below the surface.
he's not scared for me. he knows i am 
a durable person. he will construct safety for me.
i've never told him anything & it is better that way.
a boy raped me in high school. i wanted to tell him so badly
but i knew if i did he would respond by 
building something awful. 
violence is a kind of contraption.
i could imagine him driving to the boy's house 
& turning him into a tree--into material.
so instead i just take a tiny hammer
& smack nails into the walls of my bedroom
until i can almost forget. dad is brilliant.
before this he built my brother all kinds 
of bodies for him to try on.
my brother paces in the hallway upstairs
trying to decide if he is a machine 
or a ghost. i have never been an apparatus before
& i am so excited. he hear the welding tools at work.
i hear dad as he chops limbs from a metal oak 
he grew just for my suite. so the truth is
i don't have friends yet deep below the ocean
but i want to. i think maybe if i sink & sink 
& sink i might find something easy down there.
a city of eels or a village of tuna.
i would be willing to nestle among angler fish 
or even sharks. i am not a particular human.
i know i should be grateful for communion.
when he finishes the suite he pours me into it.
the garment resembles a space suite 
only made of metal. there is a great tube 
coming from the helmet. a umbilical chord
decades long. i ask him who will hold 
the air source above the surface & he says he will.
he says he's coming with me to the edge of the water.
you can't say no to a man's determination--
the ways he will try to prove his love for you.
i can't admit i don't know where i'm going.
drowning doesn't require water. drowning can be
full of air. i hug him & thank him for the suite.
i tell him i can't believe how perfect it is. 
later that night he will lower me
into the night black water. i will walk
as far as the chord will let me.