we made little adulthoods in her basement.
thirteen-year-olds with smudged fingers
and greasy hair. legs folded. mismatched socks.
the TV screen delivered permiable houses
full of doll-children. brushing teeth
& changing souls & kissing function.
took turns with the one controller.
i wanted my Sim to have a baby. she wanted
her Sim to marry three people. there were
limited outcomes. crying in a bathroom.
moving the new sofa in from heaven.
our careers were erradic. we had no direction.
let the house go to ruin. forgot to care for
our friend & she became an urn
in the front yard. a life inside a life
inside a life. as i played i wondered
what my body would become. maybe i wished
for an electronic button finger
to make these decisions for me. my body
spilled out in every direction. girlhood was
for me a process of terror & maybe not even
because i'm trans. i loved dressing her.
gave my Sim leggings. made her skinny
as the settings would permit. we played until
her step mother flickered the basement lights
& said, "it's getting late." eyes full
of body, we carried our dream selves to bed.
i wanted to be her. beautiful & so easily managed.
a command for this & that. in my own skin
i swam in her bedroom's dark. in the machine
my Sim slept & never woke up. we didn't play again.
i'm not sure why not. girl's desires come & go.
the next weekend we baked brownies & the weekend after
we laid on our backs playing with our gameboys.
she's still there. a dormant future.
my beautiful Sim. eyes closed & hands folded
over her chest. a pendant in the wire world.
in her desires, do some of mine still flicker?