self portrait w/ self destruction

prying petals off my face 
until only the anther is left. 
who isn't a yellow smudge of pollen? a baseball
through a window & back again. knocking
a tooth on a tombstone. filling shoes
with dirt & welcoming the fire ants.
it is not summer if i say it's not summer.
a wind picks up & momentarily frees us.
church on the moon. jesus on the moon.
it's one thing to die for other people
but a totally different thing to 
die for yourself. a finger trap.
cheat me out of my sunday. can opener
between my shoulder blades. a circle
through which birds come & go. 
the blood, like a creek, contains 
crayfish & stray hooks. coals to walk on
towards the bounce castle. i am 
walking backwards. trust fall. trestle.
the train has a plan to smash me
easy as a vase. i once held
a lily in my throat but i swallowed
too hard. most things are my fault
but especially broken bones.
i often go out into the middle of the street
& say "come & get me" to passing trucks.
they honk their horn & shout.
when it is winter, who will i convince?
who will believe how hot it used to be
inside my greenhouse heart? 
there is a fire & then their is
sleeping. duct taping my tongue
back into my face. counting 
white guitar strings on my arms.
haven't you ever set out
to make a scar?