spare

i once used a beach ball 
for a spare tire. i used a diamond ring
& a ferris wheel & a single baby tooth.
you can mae due with anything if necessary.
it is important to be imaginative 
when it comes to your own disasters.
on the side of the road with a flat tire 
i pictured the rest of the world in flames.
i told you we were on our way 
to hell. you told me you thought
we were just going to the supermarket.
the supermarket is a kind of hell.
the car wasn't a car but the carcass
of a small whale. i told you 
water had left the earth & now 
we have to drink sugar. i used to have
a spare tire in the trunk. it waited
coiled like a snake or no maybe
it really was a snake & it slipped out 
of one of the cracks in the floor of the car.
somewhere there is a snake 
who could have saved us. salvation 
is really a matter of preparation.
this is why i sometimes try to believe 
in god. i pray for a miracle. for a new car 
made entirely of glass. indestructable.
i pray for you to hear my thoughts
because it would be easier to love me 
if you did. i don't want to hear 
your thoughts though. i would give anything
to be a favorite person. i eat
a handful of grass. the ocean is rising
but i still can't see it from my window.
i could use a necklace as a spare tire 
or maybe even a thumb. the car is 
an extension of the body's sadness.
wants to drive us into the scortched earth.
if lightning strikes a car while you're inside
you need to wait to be let out. i learned that
in high school. i pray my car will be struck 
by lightning & i hear the voice of god say
no you can't pray for that. we will 
get home somehow. i have a jam jar 
that i coax you into. shut the lid.
roll to towards the apartment. the apartment
is invisibly on fire. is secretly 
a supermarket. is just 
over the next hill. is in walking distance
from all this awful. i ask the sun
if it would consider a brief life
as a wheel. the day fizzles out 
& i ask the moon who is always game
for transformation. only a crescent.
a bumpy ride. the car limps across
highway after highway. i ask you
where you want to go & then i remember
i jarred you up & sent you away.
miles later i discover your jar.
i open it to find a violet
spool of yard. i wrap myself up in you.
tangled. a mess. all the spiders 
sense a struggle. where are you 
taking me? the spare tire snake
skirts into the sky where there was
once the moon.

i keep telling myself it is strawberry season somewhere

you have to forgive me 
for how naive i can be with my dreaming.
it is in fact not strawberry season somewhere
& seasons were invented by farmers who were
fearful of the dirt. they went outside 
& prayed to green leaves like skirts.
i am lonely & thinking of strawberries in their fields-- 
in their nests. i'm thinking of strawberries 
ready to hatch & shrouded by two or three broad leaves.
the crow lingers just above the field
full of red warm hunger. want to eat strawberries
but the farmer has set out glinting stripes of foil 
to scare the crow away. 
somewhere, yes, forgive me again, somewhere
the strawberries are swelling to size 
of faces. there is a strawberry 
the size of my skull or no maybe
my skull has always been a ghost-white berry 
waiting to ripen. redness is not always an indication
of taste. i am eating bitter strawberries tonight
& they tricked me with their strong sense of red.
i ask the strawberries where they came from
& their shake their heads on the paper plate 
i pluck them from. sour. each sour.
they prickle on my tongue but i eat them anyway.
they traveled all the way here to be devoured
& i will not deprive them of that. also 
there might be no strawberries tomorrow
& we might all start talking about 
our memories of strawberries. i will need
their bitter feet in my throat to tell strangers
how recently i consumed them. 
i will say something about how fleating 
every fruit is. all my strawberries
could sprout wings tonight too & just make off.
maybe yes maybe when this is all over
i will build a green house 
under the earth. i will hire angels
for sun light. dear god, how do you listen to me?
dreaming of nothing but strawberries.
i will wade into the side & sit 
in my greenhouse to witness my rows & rows
of endless strawberries in their endless seasons.
isn't that always the case. we turn towards
imagining our way around nature. 
yes, this is what i want. a living room
of strawberries. a hall 
of strawberries. an afterlife.

on intrusion

is there someone you can call 
to talk to you about the presense of electric orbs
hovering in your house? really, it is your fault
for leaving all the windows open 
& talking to yourself. everything can become
an act of summoning if you are not careful.
this is why we should keep our wanting quiet--why we
do not tell others the wishes we make
over blown out candles & beheaded dandelions.
i am not a good person to consult
on unwanted visitors seeing as i have been one.
you must have said something then--you must have 
suggested you were lonely or that you wanted
to seethe with power. these kind of things
don't happen to normal people.
have you ever had an angel visit 
to tell you about the circumstances 
of your own death? you have to understand,
angels are very mischevious & bored. one stood
on my coffee table with all of its sixteen eyes
& told me i would die the next day. when i lived
i took back all my prayers to angels 
& redirected them to pigeons who are
far more holy. if the orb speaks, as it likely will,
resist the urge to write down everything it says.
let the words wash over you. it might tell you
the deepest truths about you or it might tell you 
spools of lies. it is also possible 
the lies & the truths will overlap. 
what i am trying to say is, you need to 
handle this one on your own. i have
a lot going on. my windows are always open
thus i have a lot of visitors. they are talking now
& i should be a better host. what you need to do
is hide your journal. you have no journal?
well then hide your lost teeth,
the ones you used to save is a cleaned out 
black-berry jam jar. just trust me
it will be better this way. we wouldn't want
an electric orb to also have teeth.
that scares even me. you should just accept now
that it might never leave even if you try.
you could invest in a tarp to drape over it
or you could give in & stare deeply into 
its radiance until you feel your face go static 
& you too become a window intruder. the latter
is what i did. there are still moments 
on the right evening where i feel myself drawn 
to becoming an orb of energy. i wake up
dazed & laying face up in parking lots.
i spit dryer lint from my mouth. so thirsty, i rush home
to take a cool shower where i cry huge 
furnature-sized tears. i apologize. i have said
more than you wanted. what you really need to do 
is rush it the orb. you will know
what to do when you stand for hour. take note
of the way it casts shadows on your living room floor.
observe your life reflected in its tangled face.
call me then & tell me what you saw. 

i've been having conversations with ambulances.

always hurried. never complete.
i told one tonight, i want to know
what it will take to make be feel whole.
i thought of the two words whole 
& hole. i took a pair of scissors
to slice a small hole in the side of a building.
i spy inside. i see a family of 
mice around a tiny table. they are sharing
a poptart & a discarded chicken bone.
ambulances are not for them. i imagine
a tiny ambulance that might carry them.
a higher pitched wailing. 
night is a sheet of construction paper
in a pile of blue. i don't find any benches
i can sit on. everything is dangerous these days
even the moon who runs with scissors.
i am careful with everything sharp, even sounds.
sometimes my speaking severs trees i pass
right down the middle. great firewood 
if i happened to have a fireplace.
there are no convenient places to burn lately.
every rooftop hides away from climbing
& the ambulances are out there screaming
all the red out of a day. there is only
so much color for any particular moment.
i try to talk to them. i try desperately.
i choose impossible company. when it's not ambulances
it's dead poets. i open their books
to random pages & try to conjure them
in full body aparitions. i'll take nothing less.
an ambulance told me just a few hours ago 
in their rushed & babbling way 
i want to eat a pile of spaghetti i want
to hold a fridge. you should never spend too long
waiting for anything. 
an argument against patience. i wanted to ask
what he meant or if there was a moment
that drew him to this conclusion.
i wait & wait & wait. i wait 
for sweet potatoes to roast. i wait 
for night to wrap me up with indigo.
i cook a box of spaghetti in case the ambulance
wants to talk again. we could sit at the table
& talk slower. i did not plug
the hole i left in the side of the building
where the mouse family eat a late dinner.
anything can become a diarama. 
i return to my own model home. all the trinkets.
my room with no window. the sound
of another ambulance shouting
i am running alone tonight. 

i spilled nail polish 

& it dripped right through the year 
into the next where it lingered 
as a burgundy ghost standing on the carpet.
my life has been full of smudges 
& stains. grease making a dress 
translucent. oil always spatters
in the shapes of new continents.
there is a bowl of finger paint
lingering in the living room. i dip my fingers
to leave my prints all over my parent's couch.
there are many ways to be memorable
& one is letting yourself blotch any scene.
i used to wish i had a birthmark
& i would search my skin for one
until i decided i would just make my own 
with a bowl of ketchup & a hot spoon.
the nail polish drips until it forms 
a waterfall of color & little silver beads.
teal & black & pink & gold. 
not only people with uteruses will wake up
in schemes of their own blood.
it is only a matter of time before 
you start imprinting color. my blood 
is blue on some cold nights when 
i read poetry at my desk & dream 
of great stretches of water. 
water is terrible at undying. 
sure it is persistent but where is
the bruising? the fingerprint?
i had my fingerprints done once
at a small police station in pennsylvania.
i stood & let a uniformed man 
dip my fingers in ink & press them 
at all different angles. the nail polish ghosts 
stood watching & nodding. 
they were hoping the ink would be
a more vibrant color & all the way home
in my car they spilled & spilled some more.
i see them always in my vision now
as different stains. grass is very good 
at leaving your knees green. 
i crawled on all fours too much.
the best traces are the ones 
only you know about. in my apartment now
there is a tiny speck of red paint
fallen from my mouth & onto the carpet. 
i moved my bed over top of it so no one will see.
sometimes when i'm alone i check on it 
& it glares like a single eye.

vacancies

all the fish bowls are empty 
on the counter. they ring like clocks.
the last fish visited in the depths of the night.
might have come in through the window
but i'm not sure. goldfish are selfish.
they come & go without warning.
they take their names with them.
somedays my name peels off & goes elsewhere
while i stand here keeping watch over 
my fish bowls. i am waiting for 
an aquarium to visit me in a silk tie
to offer my sustainable employment.
air has currents just like water. air is water
in some senses of the word. fish don't 
breathe water they breathe air through water.
i think about the prickled curtains of gills.
i walked through a gill once 
& got scrapes all over my body. do fish
have blood? i have no evidence.
i could fill the fish bowls 
with all the blood that's escaped me.
i wrap myself in tin foil 
in an attempt to look like a gold fish.
dialing random numbers
i pretend to be a robo caller selling
goldfish. everyone hangs up instantly.
everyone is too smart these days.
i want to be tricked more often 
than not. sell my something warm.
all my windows are open. a thunder storm 
is shimming in the distance & soon
it will be all red outside 
even the moon. i see silhouettes of goldfish
pass across the whites of my eyes 
& then across the moon. everything white
means the same thing. eye. bread. 
wall. fresh teeth. moon. when they finally arrive
i will make them play black jack with me. i have
a deck of cards waiting. the cards vibrate
with luck. i am going to win
so much money. my mouth tastes metallic 
as a penny. fish taste like pennies because
they are full of them. they swallow any change
they can find off the street. i put 
a cigar in my mouth & don't lite it.
water pours from the tip like smoke.
what can be done about lurking? not much 
i assume. you can only wait
& listen. i trace the rims of the fish bowls
to teach them how to hum.

pigeons germination 

the pigeons take turns daring each other
to dodge cars as they rush down 6th avenue.
the pigeons are large today, some the size of 
capybaras & some even bigger. one passes me 
& it stands a few inches taller than most people.
pigeons are daring animals. my boss is a pigeon
& sometimes he takes his lunch break perched
on a lamp post cooing at women as they pass.
they find him endearing with his iridescenct feathers
& his little pouch of bird seed. i've caught him
poking holes in garbage bags before though. 
no one is a clean animal. i've seen humans too 
doing terrible things with their feet 
& their mouths. in broad daylight someone is 
almost always fucking in an alley way
if not on the sidewalk. keep moving. keep moving
i don't wish i was a pigeon but i do wish
i had a way to stand on rooves more easily.
there's one pigeon i pass everyday on my block.
he can't fly anymore so he just sits on the curb
waiting for people to leave trash bags there
so he can pick them apart. we're all eating garbage
though when you think about it. he prefers
pizza crusts. when i was a little girl
i caught a bird with my bare hands.
i held the bird tight & i asked 
will you please give me hollow bones. 
the bird promised it would so i released it.
i don't know whether or not i actually do
have the promised bones. each gust of wind
does sometimes feel like it will destroy me 
but i am not a bird & this is something
i have to cope with. the pigeons who dodge cars
die often. their bodies lay sprawled out
like art installations. sometimes people stop
to take pictures of the bodies. police come to check
they aren't human. their meat melts away
until there is only bone. i have resisted the urge
to pocket a bird skull many many times.
i'm scared the brain will still be there
& i will touch it somehow. what is inside 
should stay inside with the exception of blood. 
a car runs over the bones 
smashing them into glass fragments.
pigeons are terrible drivers
i think to myself even though i didn't see
who was driving. those could have easily been
my bones. another pigeon tries to sell me
a bag of roasted nuts from her street stand. 
i say no thank you & i keep walking. i hope tomorrow 
the pigeons are even larger.
i want to see a real pigeon. one to
pick me up & carrying me towards the sweet hot sun.
i want to test out the weight of my skeleton. 

dream

we had lawns made of water instead of grass
in my dream where me & you were traveling 
far from where we belong. i swallowed a bee
in a thick forest of staircases & inside me
i felt the honeycomb's hexagons multiplying.
i was a sugar doll. you were a lawn 
which is to say you swallowed houses but no
you were you as you always are only
slightly slanted. we were at a fairgrounds 
they forgot to charge us or we snuck in.
the fair was on a hill or a forest.
it was october or june. you were
small & made of twigs or tall & oak-leaved.
we watched as all my money evaporated.
it must have been counterfeit. 
i had hid my wallet in plain sight
& was distressed to discover someone
had stolen my twenty-dollar-bills--
replaced them with jokes. before disappearing
one bill read be careful next time. 
the thing about dreams is i never get to
see things through. our car was a shack of wood
& i pushed it off into the lawn.
it was evil. you believed me. we were
very haunted in my dream. almost as haunted
as we are in real life. we stood out front the fair
waiting for a way to drive home.
bees climb out between my teeth. i spat them
into the palm of my hand. i pet them
with my pinky-finger. little soft pets.
you told me to call an uber & i insisted
we wait for someone we know.
under the earth was a gymnasium. a competition
was being held. we could ask any of those people
for a ride, yes & we could finally go home.
i don't know where home was 
in the dream because we never got there.
we paced & you were disraught & i was worried
you would leave me & jump into the lawn. 
my dreams are always asking to be poems.
i wish i could lay on my back 
& unspool my dreams to an interpreter each morning.
i wish he had thick glasses & told me 
with assurance what every symbol means.
then again, a symbol never means
only one thing. take for example,
the water. do i want to drown 
or be baptisized? is there a difference? 
i loved you even in a world of deep watery lawns 
& hills that arched higher & higher. 
your skin shifted.
you were several people. a quilted lover.
did you want me for my sugar then?
to taste the golden of a different world?
my mouth dripped with honey
& you drank. our car rattled like bones. 
none of this matters because it is gone now.
the world has collapsed behind me but
somewhere you are waitin for instruction
& i am sorry for waking.
i check my throat for bees in the still-blue dawn.
only one. it crouches like a thumb.

self-harm recovery methods 

i found a neon orange bandaide
stuck to the sidewalk. there are bandaides
everywhere if you're looking for them.
i stopped to look at it too long. bright
& blaring color. i thought maybe
if i pulled the bandaide up
a spout of blood would spring up 
from the hot cement. 
the world is full of managable wounds.
i didn't pick up the bandaide. 
i kept walking & felt the presence of
my skin as a veil or maybe an truly an organ. 
when i was little i fashioned my own bandaides
from toilet paper & scotch tape.
i scratched scabs open at night
to watch the blood make the cut or scrape
an entrances again. i was 
so full of blood. i can't live here
much longer. there are too many
details. it depends on who you're talking to
what is or isn't a controllable lesion.
skin is everywhere & not just 
in the city. cows' skin dies & becomes 
pairs of shoes. the city is full of
pairs of shoes. no blood with that skin
just the blood of feet.
stuck here on the sidewalk. a remnant.
was the scrape on their hand or 
on their knee or on 
the back of their neck? have we 
been severed in the same places?
i prefer to let my cuts dry 
in the open air. i like to watch 
them becoming maroon seams. me, a great 
table clothe or maybe a bedsheet.
how do you imagine your skin?
i want it tidal. i want the texture
of apricots. whoever was held together
my the neon orange bandaide
might be totally disappeared.
people come & go in this city.
people evaporate into their wanting.
there, a cloud of bandaides & next
a whole skyscraper & then i sleep
underneath one. healing presses 
downward but has never rid me
of blood. it is summer in manhattan 
& i believe in swallowing.

i couldn't pick up the snake while you were watching

garter snakes have 
one long yellow line 
down their backs like a seam of light.
the snake stares at us, uncoiled &
unblinking. the length of my arm.
basks in a slat of warm sun 
projected on the creek rocks.
we crouched under the little stone bridge
by your house. cool grey stone 
& our flip-flopped feet. i recalled
a moment where my dad taught me
to grab a snake right behind the head
so it cannot turn to bite you.
you always grabbed me 
by the throat. you had thin but long fingers.
only to myself i called them
"snake fingers." when my hands were smaller
i would not hesitate before 
plucking snakes from the water & the grass.
one in each hand, i once walked to show them
to my dad for him to determine their species.
the snakes would gaze dark 
& fearfully before i'd let them go.
this snake, the one under the bridge
stared cold & void. i could see
my relfection warped & miniature in the animal's 
black glossy eyes. the sun would soon set & 
we'd lay in your bed talking to each other's bodies.
your tongue a ripe snake. my face a pile
of rocks. my tongue a ripe snake
your face a pile of rocks. you wanted me
to grasp. to grab the garter snake
right around the neck. what did you want
to witness in me? fear? 
you had seen fear. you had seen all kinds 
of my movements. why this one. 
you begged. you said you couldn't do it 
not without me. now we were talking
about something else & not the snake
though still the snake. a promise ring
is a kind of snake as is 
a window & a day running out of itself.
i talked loudly to scare the creature off.
i wanted to say 
go & be free. get away from us.
instead i told you 
i think it's scare. look how scared. 
the snake slipped away & all night
to made me promise to go back again
in search of another.