lady bug

on the back window of the car
i found a lady bug with six spots.
i asked him how long he'd been inside
& he scurried away, down into the
seat crevasse. i told him that he should
get out while he can, rolling down
the windows near the perkiomen trail--
the water wearing a dress. he's a stubborn
man who counted his spots like coins
as we passed each toll booth into 
New Jersey & then New York. he told
me that bridges cost too much &
considering the pot holes i agreed.
somewhere in the midst of crossing
the throng neck he realized that we
were leaving or that we had left.
he counted the street lamps in our
old driveway. he counted the cockroaches
on the front steps of the old apartment 
building. he began to weep quietly so i
asked if he wanted to talk about it.
he shook his head & i told him
about the lady bugs in the walls
of my parent's house-- how they emerged
mysteriously, unreadable omens
disappearing back into the seams of
the wood. he took out his ink pen
& asked me how many spots i would
have if i were a lady bug. i was
still driving so it was hard to
think, i came up with the number seven
because it used to be my favorite number,
a useful number. if you picked it up
it would make do for an umbrella.
the pen tickled as he drew & i gripped
the steering wheel as we passed 
strips of thai food places &
a colombian restaurant that made
me think of my mom. he said that his
mother liked to knit too-- that
she would miss him. that she would
knit him six gloves in october.
i don't ask him why he left. 
i imagine he will tell me in time. 
outside the new place i check 
the seven black spots
in the windows of the car. one for
each sin. i laughed. he tells me that
humans trust too much in symbols.
crawling up the back window he 
watched me unpack &
stayed there in the car all night.

tomatoes

i made a cutting board into
a bed. the knives are in the trunk
with the rest of the kitchen.
how many chambers are there to the heart 
when it's an heirloom tomato? 
thick & asymmetrical, a blooming face.
i got the yellow from my father &
the red we learned when we were
still chewing the alphabet pink.
the gnats swarm all over the racks
of tomatoes at the farm, landing 
on every pockmark & scar-- onyx 
bodies gone angry-- a collar on my neck.
they're good for BLTs, or, at least,
that's what the farmers say. 
sitting on milk crates, acidic
blood dripping down their elbows.
the bacon finds its way, raw & fatty
creeping & tightening like my father's
worn leather belts, smacked across me.
i turn you over in the kitchen,
above the granite table where all
slicing will be done. give me your
sun-burning down-- your mouth empty 
of red. i want to lay open 
& dress in salt. i want to hear 
you fresh & spitting stone.
everyone keeps a jar of mayonnaise at
the back of the fridge where we could
hide to be safe until the family
orders italian hoagies again. salami 
as a sunday hat, peppercorns in our 
dress shoes. i love to see you like this, 
among the tomatoes, plastic bag sitting.
this is all bruises you know? 
we'll eat them standing up & 
tomatoes will taste like the backseat.

toll booth man

you told me about the man
in the toll booth, about how
he watches the people as they 
go past, sometimes the same
ones each day. how he had a simple
life & on the others side
of the booth the cars rush fast
like manta rays--gliding facelss
& in a rush. he unwraps his sandwich
from a plastic ghost, ducks down in
the booth so that no one will
see him, legs crossed on the floor,
whoosh of vehicles still on one side.
i think he's me or at least he will
be me in do time. i moved
to a toll booth years ago. hung
my jean jacket on the back of the chair,
scotch taped the two pictures i 
have of my father & i to the desk;
the one of us in Halloween costumes  
& the one of me watching him
on the bar stag-- his black &
white Rickenbacker hanging from 
his body. i reach my hand inside
to feel the texture of the guitar
strap-- like a stripe of Persian rug,
leather on the back. on the floor
there's a stack of books, of course.
the one card board box full that 
i've been carrying with me. on breaks
i touch them by the spine to wake them
up & they roll over, eyes bleary from
too much sleep. i whisper.
we'll read soon. only at night,
of course, by flash light i remain,
criss-cross legs with a book sprawled
out in my lap. her words go 
blurry, spoken under the tires 
of cars. even in the dead of night
sometimes i pop up, just to 
see if i recognize any of the vehicles
making their way onto the turnpike again. 
i catch a glimpse of the family,
my family, maybe a decade or so old,
headed to the big apple to bit 
the pavement & free the great blue
whale from the museum of national
history. they won't succeed, of course.
their hotel will have not enough windows
& i will decide to move to the city.
what would he think of me? alive 
only in the four walls of the toll booth.
he would join me, a little boy 
in a dress with a bob-haircut & 
a candy necklace. he sits on my
lap & i ask him where he let our
family run off to. laughing he crawled
out into the rush of traffic, just to
become a plastic bag before i could
reach out to grab him. the next day 
i see the same car again, & another
& another. 
you tell me of the toll booth 
man & i nod.

lantern flies

in august everyday 
i found dead lanternflies 
in my car, legs pressed together,
oh the sarcophagus body, the metal
tomb. i don't know why they'd all
come here. is it the soft floor 
of the backseat? the shine of roof
drawing them in. i cup my hands to 
drop them onto the hot sidewalk. 
i drove home to visit my parents 
& on the way they swarmed. they make
nests on the roofs of the battery 
factory where my father goes to 
stand in an assembly line-- click
wires into place. the closer i get
to kutztown the more toss themselves
at my car window-- plink of
folded paper skeletons-- from
a distance they look like origami,
like purposeful creatures. as they
swarmed they all flew in my mouth--
a thousand or so of them, tasting
like cherry throat lozenges. 
in the living room when i tried to
smile they angry-buzzed. they spoke 
in fifty voices, admonishing me
for having teeth crooked as 
the tombstone across town. 
in the bathroom i openned
the medicine cabinet to look
for a face wash but the bottles 
where all empty so i just used 
water. the drain in the upstrairs
bathroom is clogged so the whole room
flooded. i wrote an apologize on 
the foggy mirror & didn't tell them.
this will suffice as a goodbye, yes?
i open my mouth & they flutter
their black wings. you
asked if he could help me, but i shook
my head. they'll move on eventually.
out in the backyard i saw more,
nesting in the gutters-- making
a crown on the head of the house.
we should have said a more sturdy 
goodbye, yes? but what is the use 
of all that. the lanterflies would
scoff at the sentimentality of humans--
we can't let them know how soft we
really are. bent over the toilet 
you watched me pull them out 
one at a time-- squirming, dangling
from the tweezers. i told you
not to tell mom or dad. they are
worried enough, yes? i don't 
mind artificial flavors, you know,
the tastes of medicines. i am 
allergic to something around here---
is it the skin of the buildings--
papery & dry from the heat. 
the bowl of fruit on the kitchen
table melts into a brown syrup
& flies the size of needle heads
gather-- quick quickly & full of sugar.
as always i need to go home.
the sun is sweet & orange scented.
the lanternflies, seated on
the roof of my car, come along for
the ride. dead in the morning
on the front seat. a row of priests.
i brush them off & mutter
to them not to pray for me.

bleaching heaven 

we didn't expect the water,
the angel telling me to hold my breath
forever now, backwards off the pier.
after all the clouds in picture books 
& all the feathers stuffed in mouths,
how dare death begin with held breath.
as if my ankles had weights, i sank
easier than ever before-- opened my mouth
but there was no air left to escape from me.
i should have guessed that heaven would
be water; the coral reef below,
angels with their fish eyes & yellow fins.
too fast for us, darting by with their 
own important errands. 
a few feet away though the reef screamed
barren & white. crooked branch bones--
the curious body i have had to walk there.
we had no business bleaching heaven,
but of course we did it anyway. i see
my uncle in the driveway tripping & spilling
the bucket of bleach on his hands. the splotches
of white that burned onto him. the reach,
taking handfuls of color & offering them
up to god to keep, hoping that maybe
he, of all clown fish, will keep 
it all alive. he stuffed himself in 
an anemone where none of the humans can go.
out in the bleached fields i wander &
run into ghosts of myself, the version
of me taken by ripe tides in chincoteague 
or mistaken for a stone in the lake. 
they have long hair & i don't try to cut it.
under a staghorn coral i search my pockets 
& find the notebook you gave me. 
the ink all blurry, bleeds blue into
the water around me. i speak to the whiteness
& ask if there is anything i can do to stop it.
no answer. god covers his face,
makes his way over to a land where he can
be a middle-aged man again. dries his 
face with one of our towels in the hall closet.
sprawls on the sofa & flips on the tv
to take his mind off of it all. 
a bucket spills on me & i there's no
where to try to scrub it off. i let it take
effect-- feel the arms-- the branches 
growing from me. a hunk of white coral.
if you end up here, lean up against me.
it's so cold down here. i need some 
of your sun yellow color. empty your 
pockets. the paper clips. the rosaries.
the star you stole before you left. 
the bleach will spill, as it does.

are you a good protein substitute? 
don't eat soy it'll turn you
back into a woman, you know,
like mom with her hands 
in the pink-wormy-tendril ground beef
98% lean. the fat is what makes
it taste good though. the cows stand
in the fields but they're actually
made of plastic. recycled, of course. 
they don't blink. they never blinked. 
these are the cows we use for vegetable patties. 
insides made of kidney beans &
their teeth, chickpeas & pesto.
they lay down. labor day is somehow
always overcast. you can't convince it otherwise.
rain drops fall & sizzle on
the grill while we burn our
hands plucking out the hot coals.
we have to save them. keep them safe.
there's only so much fossil fuel.
leave the cows alone they're just
trying to decompose like the rest of us.
they try to trick me, pointing at
two different meat balls, 
carnivorous roulette, which one is real?
& the pre-maid cows cover their faces
in shame, they can't watch this.
i eat the meat ones by accident
& the rest of the day the dead cows 
spots migrate beneath my skin--
grey cloudy & vengeful. death by
microwave we flatten the herd-- 
the medium rare horizon
i want it to bleed. i'm not judging 
you for eating meat. i used to like
the texture in my fingers-- rolling
patties between palms. skewered & 
marinated. my hands like
cow tongues-- rough & salivating. 
not enough paper towels, not enough
coals; each growing hooves to cross
the street up by covered-bridge road.
i've lost trust in those other cows.
they're too alive to be trusted. 
i saw one breathe. i pried a yellow squash
from its mouth. grind me down to 
unrecognizable bits. the soy beans 
in my blood, are greening me-- an hourglass
shape. burger sigh & hiss. she pinches
of pieces off my hips. mom, this is meat.
mom, it's pink inside. it's all pink.

10 hail marys worth

& for your penance
monsignor said across the breakfast
table. 10 hail marys
i held the confession script in
my hand along with the morning paper--
a headline about russia-- my mother 
in the other room typing the news--
she listens to a radio muffled in
the corner-- reporting on the world outside.
i hate that, how he always
gives me hail marys & i want 
to know if it is because i used to be
a girl (briefly). emptying my pockets of
peace-be-with-yous-- coin mouthed,
i lay staring at the white ceiling again--
an orange note stuck to my forehead--
a parking ticket with a little envelope
to mail in to the city. i'm not paying
20 dollars just for falling asleep
in someone else's bed. it's the law
you know? when mom worked in the city
she'd come home with tickets & she'd 
set them on the table with the other 
bills until they ripened & tasted 
like grapefruit or tangerines (still sour)
slicing them with a ball point pen--
if you eat quickly enough the flashlights
would miss us, peering in the kitchen windows--
the police officers with their in discernible
faces & their teeth made of red & blue light.
talk less & they'll move on. the ticket
requested another 10 hail marys but
i'm not going to say them. they can't make
me pray out of guilt. i want to pray 
for the dead relatives, nudging their bodies
one step closer to heaven, that's how it
worked yes? we all get to take up space
with enough prayer. i'm never going to 
get there though, i think i'm content 
getting tickets when i close my eyes--
it makes me feel wild, checking to see
if every black car is the police. 
i don't even trust the old trees anymore,
they share secrets. they snitch. 
occasionally i sleep beneath them though,
coiled up like a fist of roots. i say 
this is a space i want to take up,
this is mine. this is mine. this is mine.
monsignor nudges me with his shiny black
shoe as the sun comes up. he says
why don't you want your sin to go away?
& puts a rosary around my neck along
with another parking ticket. 
saint mary rolls her eyes & shoos him away.
tell me to go back to sleep. says 
the hail marys for me, only this time. 

manna 

god makes a lot of noise in the kitchen,
dropping the steel bowls-- clang of measuring
cups & the groan of the garbage disposal.
he woke me up in the middle of the night
with his antics, up making manna. 
why my kitchen, then? i asked & he just
kept working. i can be sure of one thing,
it won't taste like egg plant. my father doesn't
like eggplant so my mother never makes it,
though, sometimes she'll slip it sneaky
into a casserole or a stew. god doesn't use
the crock pot. god uses the oven &
a stove top sauce pan. i had no idea it
was so involved. on the stone basement floor
are waiting the israelites in exodus.
they talk in hushed voice when i open
to creaky door at the top of the stairs,
all looking up, crouched on their knees between
cardboard boxes of christmas 
& halloween decorations. some of the little 
ones pluck out ornaments & dangle them from 
their fingers. i asked them nicely to 
put them back. dad, of course, watches god
cooking, a big metal serving spoon in his hand.
did she make slop again? he asks, sleep
talking again, thinking god is my mother.
god ignored him & added a pinch of cumin
(the only spice i know that tastes like its
colors). so tell me then god, what does
it taste like? he doesn't answer, rolling
the pastry thin. chopping the onions thin.
the eggplant in half. the apple into ribbons.
he takes spoonfuls as he goes so i scooch
in closer, tearing a corner off the sheet 
of golden dough. he tells me that to everyone
it tastes different. i hope that for my
father it will taste like eggplant.
my mother holds one of the purple plants
in her arms like a baby, cradling it
back & forth until god bathes it olive oil
ready for the pan. the manna tasted like
cotton candy & cuticles. like chewed aluminum 
& sliced tomatoes. like the unripe peach 
you once fed me in your backyard. god laughed,
tearing a corner off for himself and saying
yes, it is an acquired taste.

jupiter

we sighed too loud & our breath
scattered jupiter apart into thousands
of little droplets. rosary beads on
the spider's web. she counts for
us, for girls who love girls who
love boys who like girl-boys who love
their bodies out of mirrors. a hand to
the glass-- i helped myself walk 
out from the frame & told the other half 
of me to sleep under the bed for the both
of us. i said that we should probably
do the work & put the planet back together.
we started with the red eye-- hoping
its pieces would be easier to find--
blinking at the bottom of the refrigerator
next to the dried out baby carrots.
i scolded the eye how did you get here
&, of the course, the eye berated me about
having exhaled so close to the weakest planet.
i didn't mean to but we both, deep down,
wanted to know what would happen to jupiter
under pressure-- how many fragment 
the planet would break into. we break
pretty cleanly in two. still sleeping
beneath the bed-- a nightmare strumming
my temples-- ukulele thunder. 
with the eye back together we hung it on
the wall in the vestibule so that it
could watch for intruders-- not that anyone
comes around here anymore. i warned you
of the flecks of jupiter in the ice cube
tray-- scattered in your sweating glass
of lemonade. i love you because you swallowed
the shreds-- no second thought. we'll get
jupiter back in our own time. when you 
finally went to bed was when the guilt set in.
i took a stroll out to my car in the parking
lot to find i left the inside light on--
beads dangling from the rear view mirror.
i puzzle-put them back up past mars who 
pulled his red baseball cap over his eyes--
rolled over. eventually i promise you, jupiter
i will find them all, all the little pieces.
these things take time. these things take time.

prokaryotic 

coming out in ribbons-- i tie my
DNA in bows around my wrists to
keep track of it all. a ribbon for
my mother's stone feet. a ribbon for
a pile of beer bottle caps in the 
rocking chair that was/is my father.
you assured me that there is no way that
i'm made of prokaryotic cells but
i think there's a possibility:
i'm citing the the chaos of my body
as evidence. i peel back the skin 
like the sliding open of a window &
inside everything's in knots; the DNA
in broken Celtic knots like the ones
i would draw on graph paper-- 
the Ouroboros  (these snakes biting 
their tails). singular celled-- bacteria--
beginning-- i go back to before complexity
& wriggle into the couch cushion--
ringing like a cell phone-- call me
call me & leave a message written 
in my ribbons-- a roll of 
grocery receipts-- almond milk & 
honery crisp apples-- i forget how
to eat-- what with the lack of a membrane
bound nucleus-- the membranes don't
do anything anyway-- in the end there's
not much that can keep us bound together--
i prefer this life-- we touch cell 
walls & you're so warm like playdough
kneaded all day long. come inside
& take a handful. there's too much
DNA anyway. there's enough OCD 
to arrange your freckles into rows--
there's violin strings in there too 
for the instrument i've given up 
playing over the years. i'm scared 
even though i seldom admit it. i'm scared
i'm going backwards too fast & the world
will start over & i'll be here with
the ancient cell structures-- the video
tape spitting film from his side.